She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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