Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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