His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
