I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm always down for nudity.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
why is half of my head shaved?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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