I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize