I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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