walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
not ubering you a puppy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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