You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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