Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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