Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
