So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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