I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
