We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
