I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
