i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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