Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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