I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
