if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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