God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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