true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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