I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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