What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
