I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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