this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
