Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
