The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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