Moan for me like Helen Keller
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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