we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
