Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
