I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
