can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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