ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
