She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
