covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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