Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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