If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
