Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
