i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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