Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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