I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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