My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
