I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
