I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
