I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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