Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
