Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
