somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize