Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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