oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
