Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
