if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
