Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize