Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
