He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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