dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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