I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
