Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
