Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
