Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
