My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
