you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
