Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
