the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My liver just had a heart attack.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
