I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
