her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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