I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
