Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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