I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
