Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
